Being Unable to Deliver

So, this semester we're venturing into something completely new to me.  My first C in a class.  Actually, make that 2 C's.  Whereas, the rest of my grades will more than likely be A's, 2 of my classes are going anything but well.

Yeah, I know what anyone in college is thinking right now, "A C is great. It's passing. I pull C's all the time. It's no big deal." Either that or you're sitting there thinking about screaming at me for being stupid and unappreciative of what I have in life. 

The thing is is that all my life I've had the expectations to be smarter than the average.  I mean like people EXPECT it out of me.  I walk into my mom's work and people go "Still pulling off those straight A's?".  No. No I'm not. I haven't since my Freshman year.  In fact, I have only made Dean's List once since starting college.

When did I become THAT girl? The one that can't get her own act together so she can pass a class?  When did I start getting D's and F's on exams?

It's not like I'm not trying.  I study a lot.  Besides the fact my sorority takes up a lot of my time and I work on weekends: I have no social life.  I don't see my friends ever.  I don't go out drinking at the bars.  Yet those people who do are still doing better than I am in school.

I am failing everyone's expectations of me.  I'm failing my own expectations.  I am no longer able to deliver what I was able to in High School.  School has become entirely too difficult to me.  Biology has become some foreign language that I cannot fathom to understand. 

I miss math.  I miss the simplicity and direction of math.  There's an answer in math and that is the answer.  That's not the case with Biology.  I can't seem to understand the topics that I should be able to.  I can't make much of anything make sense anymore.

I feel like I've lost all my passion for everything this semester.  Like this struggle has literally killed something inside of me.  NaNoWriMo didn't excite me and I was just glad to get it over with (Yes, I did win).  The things that I used to care so much about, I just don't anymore.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know who I've become or what I should do from here.

75 days until I leave for New Zealand.  I hope to God that I can figure myself out there because I sure can't seem to do it here.

Learning how to...Drown

People who are drowning can swim better than I can.  Yet for some unknown to mankind reason, I decided to take a scuba diving class this semester.  Go ahead call me crazy, plenty of people already have.

The funny part is, I used to be a great swimmer.  When I was a kid, my parents called me a “little fish,” and in middle school I was put in the advanced swim class during gym and even considered joining the diving team.  For some reason or another though, after middle school, I stopped going in the water.  I think a lot of it had to do with my self confidence in myself and not wanting to be in a swimsuit, because honestly I will to this day avoid any situation which involves me having to wear a swimsuit.  I don’t have a swim suit body and I never will.  Over the years, I got rusty with my swimming.  I just didn’t think I got THAT bad.

 So if I’m a horrible swimmer, why did I decide to take scuba diving?  Yes, partially because I actually was naive enough to think that being able to breathe under water was going to make me a good swimmer.  And yes, I didn’t think that I was going to have to be a swim team level swimmer to take this class, but that’s not why I wanted to take the class.  I wanted to take the class because I’m moving to New Zealand in a couple of months, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get to travel to Australia at some point while I am down that way.  And diving in the great barrier reefs would be entirely too amazing. 

 But here’s the thing.  I have to be able to massively swim for this class.  And when half your class is made up of swim team swimmers, the fact that you can’t even do one length of free style the right way, makes everything intimidating.  Yes, I could work and work and work doing free swim hours to improve my swimming, but it comes down to this: this is a class at school.  I am getting credit for taking this. This means I am also getting a letter grade, so my GPA is going to be affected by this class.  

 I came home from class last night to an email from my teacher saying that things would get better if I only worked at it.  It was nothing more than a pity email. Her feeling bad for me because she doesn’t want the only girl in the class dropping and she knows that I obvious want certified if I am taking the class.  But it was nothing more than a pity email that implied that if I work hard, I’ll get a C in her class. 

 I have already put a good hundred dollars into this class, and have a good 200 more dollars to put in this class (getting scuba certified is expensive!)  I’m paying extra to drop my GPA? I’m pretty sure I’m paying enough for my regular classes already to just get the same affect. 

It boils down to this.  Yes I want this certification.  Yes I want to be able to go to Australia and swim the reefs.  But I just don’t know if it is going to be at all possible for me to do it.  I don’t think I am going to have the time and energy to reteach myself how to swim like a care free 7 year old again.  I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to teach myself how to be a “little fish” in a matter of 8 weeks on top of all my other classes and commitments. 

 So what if I don’t end up swimming in the great barrier reef right? Plenty of people go there and don’t do that and it doesn’t make my trip any less incredible right?  I’m still getting to travel the world and see amazing places that I could only dream about going and seeing.    I’m still going to get to see different animals and organisms, even if they aren’t under water.  I had no other plans for a scuba certification other than this trip, so nothing else in my life is really affected by my decision to drop out of the class. 

 The lessons we learn in life aren’t always the ones we expect to learn.  I learned the hard way that sometimes remembering things isn’t always as easy as remembering how to ride a bike, and usually those are the things that we can survive our lives without knowing.  Sometimes the things we want to learn we can’t.  I have realized one thing.  I am a master at drowning, which is something some other people can’t do.  So there.  I’ve got that to keep me going.

 

Side Note: I am selling some scuba equipment (unless I end up returning it) which is brand new and not opened yet.  This includes, mask, snorkle, and small/medium sized fins, and mask cleaner.  I'll be selling them for around $110 plus shipping if they need shipped. 

The Mistakes I've Made in the Papertown

I have made some pretty big mistakes in my life.  Especially within the last few months.  I have pushed everyone who has ever tried to get close to me post elementary school away; including friends, guys who like me, my parents, and other adults.  And it’s all because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of commitment, of relationships, of hurting every single person I get near: emotionally, physically, and mentally.  I have lost so many opportunities and hurt so many people, and I could make so many excuses for why I am the way I am, but I don’t even know why I am this way.  

What I do know is this: this town, this papertown, is suffocating me with every breath I take.  I have lived in this town for 20 years and nothing has ever changed about it.  The houses are the same.  The people are the same.  And I’m still here.  Those paper houses, those paper people, and that paper me.  And we don’t leave because we don’t see what it does, staying in the same place that is.  We don’t see what else there is.  And if we do, we so often only stay within a three hour radius of where we began because we’re all afraid a little, of the commitment, of getting lost.  

But I have gotten lost and I haven’t even gone anywhere.  I’ve stayed in the papertown.  I’ve burnt my future here.  I’ve lost who I am and what I want.  I don’t recognize myself half the time I see myself or am alone with myself.  I’m not the same strong, bubbly, controlled me.  I’m not depressed by any means.  I’m just not happy anymore.  

I’ve been spending the last 4 months or so trying to figure myself back out, but I just can’t.  The pieces of myself have gotten lost and I can’t find them.  They’ve been scattered.  I know who has some pieces, but I don’t have the courage to get them back because they belong to those people who I have royally screwed up with.  Who’s trust and happiness I don’t deserve to share.  The rest of the pieces are somewhere locked within me, but putting them back together is going to take a lot of time and a lot of heart.  

January can’t come quick enough.  I need to start new.  To figure out what I want in life.  What I want to do with my life. Where I want to go in life. I need to go somewhere where no one knows me.  Where no one knows how broken I am or how lost in myself I am.    New Zealand. Where I can be whatever me I need to be.  Or I can be figure things out for myself again and just be me because I really miss myself.  I don’t like this side of me.

I can’t promise I’ll come back.  Leaving this papertown could be the best thing I could ever do to myself.  And instead of going to the papertown and never coming back, I am leaving the paper town and leaving for good.  I’ll be like Margo Roth Speigleman and make myself the mystery.  I’ll be an entirely new me.  Healthy, and ready to go.

Kat and the Y.A. Novel

I am living in a young adult novel, and to be deadly honest it's not a fabulous as it would seem.  When you break it down to what it is, the answer is that this is real life.  Because despite the fact that in Y.A. novels, the protagonist always ends up finding love, or at least finds some form of life long happiness, none of those things seem to be coming my way.  In fact, my entire life currently seems to be rotating around guy drama.

There is more guy drama in my life than you would probably even find in an episode of "Awkward," and if you watch that show you know that Jenna, has A LOT of drama in her life.  But between two guys that like me, one of which I definitely don't like and one that I could potentially like in the future, a guy I like that I absolutely shouldn't because 1. he has a girlfriend and 2. I really just shouldn't, and that guy in the coffee shop that I am completely lusting over but has no idea I even exist...yeah it's a lot to process over time.  The funny thing is, is that I read books like "Anna and The French Kiss" and "Lola and the Boy Next Door" and wish to myself "why can't my life be like that?"  Well here.  For example I am going to explain how, although I am like a girl from a Y.A. novel very much, I am nothing the same.


1.  My life and surroundings are average.  
As in, I live in a neighbor hood where the average family has both a mother and a father (even if they are split) with 2.5 kids and a white piked fence.  I don't live in Paris, I don't live in New York, I don't have two gay dads, I'm not suffering from some life threatening illness.
My life is average to say the least.  So it makes sense that nothing extraordinary would ever happen to me.  All the girls in Y.A. novels live somewhere exciting, or have something VERY different about their families.  That's just not me.


2. I'm not that type of girl at all
I'm not the type of girl to go out of her comfort zone to talk to a guy.  I'm not the type of girl who knows HOW to date or what to say to guys or how to treat guys.
Prime example, when a guy asks me out, my instinct is to decline.  Because I don't who I want to date let alone how to go about the dating thing.
I'm also not the type of girl a guy would leave his girlfriend for. I'm not super attractive, or model skinny, or nice. Ever notice how the girls in Y.A. novels seem to be flawed but only to a minimal amount? My flaw far outweigh my strengths, as it is with many real people.Or even if they do seem real enough, they always seem to find a guy that doesn't care who they are only and fall in love at first sight anyway, but let's face it.  We get one happy ending if we're lucky.  Out of all the people we will meet and who come in and out of our lives, the chances of this time being the one are SLIM.  In Y.A. novels, he's almost ALWAYS the one.


3. No one is writing my story but me
And although I'm a writer, I can't tell myself what to say when and set up the perfect occasions for me and a guy to fall in love. I can't create perfect conversations or perfect moments.  It just does not happen that way.


Here's the reality with each of my guys:
For one, I don't like him the way he likes me and I have to spend my time ignoring him or trying to let him down easy.
For anther, I guess we just start as friends and work out way to what might happen and risk it not working out if something does happen (which I am not at all saying will ever happen because I don't know him well enough yet at all).
I continue to admire the one from afar with all realization that I will never have the courage to go up to him and say "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, call me maybe." Because that IS NOT HAPPENING.  Besides my luck, he's gay.
And for the last, I guess I just get over him.  Because I don't think anything good will come of it.


So yeah, my life is a Y.A. novel, but its certainly a grimier, more worn down version where no one tells me what to do except myself.  Maybe I'll get lucky and something fabulous will happen, but I think it's time to realize that although we read about love and perfect relationships, the reality is that it hardly happens that way at all.  Guess it's about time we realized that.

The Annoying Truth about Friendship and Facebook

Dearest Readers,
Please excuse this really really quick rant I have to go on about friends and the way people react to facebook friendship.  It's nothing serious, just something that has been popping back up in my life.  Yes, it's directed to a few people in particular.  We'll be back to the normal type of blog next week.  Don't worry.
Best Wishes
-Kat

I’ve never been one for making friends and keeping friend.  Which probably explains why I only have maybe 5 or so really close friends.  Other than that, I let people just come and go in my life.  For different reasons for everyone of course. Mostly its just me trying to find the people I WANT to hang out with.  I’ll tell you, college is a hard place to find friends believe it or not.  There are just so many different types of people out there.   So yes, my friends have come and go throughout the years, but is that a crime?  If it’s not then why is it that sometimes I feel like I get treated like it is?

I realize that sometimes I’m the one who jumps to the conclusion and deletes people from my life.  Come on, with facebook and other social networking sites it’s simple to click a bottom and temporarily delete people from life.  It’s facebook though.  It’s not law.  I always say with people, just because we’re not friends on facebook doesn’t mean I hate you.  A lot of the time I’m not friends with people on facebook if they debate too much (as it tends to get out of hand online way too fast) or if they comment and like EVERYTHING I post because it just blows up my newsfeed and annoys me.  A lot of the time it’s not because people do anything wrong.  It’s more or less because I just can’t handle them at the time.  And even at that, we’re not best friends anyway, chances are we won’t be. So why do people get so up in arms when they get deleted or ignored.  I think as a hole we put too much pressure on what facebook shows instead of what people think.  Before facebook how do you think people communicated and got to know each other?  They became friends with the people they actually saw.

So maybe we’re friends.  Maybe we’re not.  Maybe just because we’re not friends on facebook doesn’t mean we’re not friends.  Let’s get over the facebook drama that ALWAYS happens.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, I’m just having that wonderful gut wrenching feeling about these sort of things.   I don’t know.  Just a rant I guess.

A few Odds and Ends

2 posts in one day! Gasp!  This isn't going to be my normal sort of update, but I just have a few things I want to throw out there.

1. I am slowly working on a new project.  It's going to be a web novel over at wordpress.com.  It won't be out for awhile, but if you want to check out what's to come go to

www.struckbylightningweb.wordpress.com

Like I said, I won't be updating it for awhile now, but go ahead and let me know what you think,

2. I was honored to find out that I have been awarded the Liebster Award by blogger Julz Perri from Fish and Frivolity.  I am honored that she has been reading my blog so closely and is inspired by what I post.  As part of gaining this award, I get to award 5 other bloggers with the award as well, a task I will be working on completing in the next week so look out for my nominations. 

Again, thank you Julz for this honor. 

I don't know what I did to deserve something like an award for my blog. Especially a blog where all I do is complain about my life (haha) but I am greatly appreciative of it and I am so glad people enjoy what I am doing. 

Thank you for all the support and thank you for coming on this journey with me. 

Until next time.
-Kat

Reconsidering Everything

I know I haven't written a blog in what seems like a lifetime, and I could make some sort of excuse for it, but I'm not going to. Point blank, I haven't felt like writing a blog post. That's that. 

But lately things in life have gotten to a strange point where I can't help but want to run away and hid from everything.  My job, my friends, my parents, my social life, everything.  I'm currently hidden away in the lab I work in with the door shut and locked hoping that no one will come in here and that I can finally have a few moments of peace.  But I know as soon as I open that door, I'll have to face the problems of my life all over again.  They're not just going to vanish. 

I'm reconsidering a lot of choices that I've made lately.  Am I doing the right thing? What's going to result of my choices? Those kind of things.  Maybe it's the fact that suddenly, out of no where, I'm growing up.  Which in itself if an odd sensation that I've never before had the pleasure of really knowing.  Maybe I'm realizing that my choices effect me even more than they did before, or maybe I'm just becoming more scared of life as I grow older.

Situation One includes a bird in which the lab I work in is rehabilitating.  I'll be completely honest, if I could do anything in the world with this biology degree I'm getting, it would be bird rehab, but I honestly don't want to go vet school anymore.  So of course, when my professor asked me if I wanted to rehab the bird, I jumped at the opportunity.  My parents, however, are not so happy.  I'm having second thoughts about bringing this bird into my house, where I have a cat and parents who don't want the bird.  Honestly, I don't even know how to take care of a bird.  I don't know what I'm going to have to fed it, what its going to be living in, if it's going to get out and try to fly around my brother's room (the room I am keeping it in since the brother moved out last month) or even my house.  There are just so many unanswered questions that I have that make me too nervous to even be sure I want to take care of this bird for a week and a half.  Plus my parents are unhappy with me wanting to do this, and I honestly can't blame them.  Neither of them are bird people, and my cat certainly isn't a fan of birds.  So what am I supposed to do besides sit here and question my choice?  This bird comes home with me in about two hours and then who knows what will happen.  I have no idea what I am supposed to do. 

The second situation seems like a no brainer, but when you break it down, it's the most complicated decision I have had to face yet. 

Two weeks ago, I was accepted into a program to study overseas in New Zealand for Spring of 2013 (Spring here, summer/fall there).  Of course, it's the most exciting information I've ever received and I wouldn't have applied if I didn't want to go, but now that the trip is actually within my reach, I'm questioning even going.

The list of Pros of going in long enough for it to seem like I should be going. It's basically a once in a life time opportunity.  I'm going to finally have the chance to live away from home, in a place completely new to me, and I'm going to get to travel around places of the world I normally wouldn't get to see.  Just do it, right?

I have reserves.  I have a lot going on here, back at home right now which make it tough enough for me to leave for more than a week at a time.  I have this research I'm doing, and I'm afraid if I leave I'm going to miss out on so much of it.  I'll miss presentations, I'll miss papers being written, I'll miss the chance to spend a summer out in the field again.  I haven't even told my research prof I am going yet; I am just way to nervous to tell her I'm going to be leaving for 5 months when we already have such a good flow of things going.

I have my reserves about the school I'll be going to as well.  For starters, I won't know if I get housing until before I leave to go.  Applying for housing is scary enough for someone who's never had to do it, but to not even know what kind of housing you're going to get is even worse.  I can't cook so if I have to live in an apartment style housing complex, I am doomed.  Also, I am not going to be even able to schedule my classes until I am in New Zealand. So I won't know if any of my classes will transfer.  I honestly would love to graduate on time.

I know it seems like a no brainer, but I'm really just afraid I'm going to miss so much here if I leave.  I'll miss opportunity I have here and things that could be very important to a career I may want.  But then again if I go I might discover myself in new and exciting ways. 

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  Hiding seems like a great choice.  No one has to know where I am, or what I'm doing there. I can just be by myself to escape the world.  Maybe into a book, or a story I'm writing, or a movie I haven't seen yet.  That's all I want to do right now.  I just want to escape.

Goodbye Alice In Wonderland

I used to think I had this firm grasp of reality.  I could separate my own little fantasy world from the truth of what was around me.  I prided myself on that fact.  And because of that, I thought I had something special that the rest of the world was lacking. 

It seems to me that college has started to form me in ways that I’m not sure I really like, especially in the past year.  I feel like I’ve started to turn to fantasy to cope with the stress and the fact that, despite how much I don’t think I’m ready, I have to grow up.  The perfect way to explain it is that I’m Alice and, despite the fact that I don’t want to, I’m slowly slipping into wonderland. 

Yes I have this fear of growing up and getting a job and living on my own and being my own individual, but I am almost positive that it’s something that everyone at my age feels.  I for one think that 20 is far too young to be deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life because despite what we have been exposed to already, we are all still so naïve.  Many of us don’t know what’s out there in the world and what it has to offer.  Most of us only now about where we’re from and what’s around it and what we’ve learned from media of other places, and let’s be honest, even that’s a really rough picture painted of things that are mostly false. 

I don’t know how anyone else copes with this growing up thing, but for me, lately, I’ve been working really hard to just avoid it.  I ignore emails, I ignore phone calls, I disappear for periods of time.  Basically, it’s just what it sounds like.  I’m slipping into my own version of Wonderland, and to be honest, it’s not as great as Alice made it out to be.  I sleep more than I’m awake anymore, yet I am still ALWAYS tired.  I don’t care about school anymore, although I still am trying to do well, I just am not pushing myself as much as I have in the past.  It would be pretty simple to draw that I’m depressed, that much is obvious, although I have no reason to be such.  Things are going well here, and it’s actually been sunny in Erie, although that hardly makes me hate this place yet.

I think I am just ready for a change in scenery, and Wonderland has been my way to get it.  To watch one of your best friends be in Italy, while you are stuck being in the same place you’ve been for 20 years takes it toll eventually I guess.  I just keep reminding myself that one year from now I’ll be in her shoes and I’ll be having my own adventures.  I just have to keep my head up, work hard, and get there.

With that said, I am going to have to take a seriously hard look at my life and remind myself of the truths in which I once so firmly believed.

1.       There is a firm difference between dreaming and pretending.  I can’t keep pretending that I can make a career out of something that is never going to happen like if I move away to LA and do film or writing.  It just isn’t going to happen.  I am perfectly happy with biology.  In fact I love it.  It might be hard at some points, but it’s the only thing I really like next to writing, and there is so much I can do with it even if I don’t want to go to Vet school.  Yes, I can still write.  I would never give that up. But at some point I have to face the fact that it’s not the career for me.  I don’t have the means to become a writer full time, and that’s okay.  I will be happy doing what I am doing and I will still be able to use writing and reading as a means of release from hard days, so long as it doesn’t at any point become my entire world. 

2.       I need to start reorganizing myself so I don’t get over stressed out and fall into a world I don’t want to be in.  I need to seriously live by my planner, and even have two of them if I need to, so long as I keep them updated.  It seems like I don’t handle stress well.  I don’t know how to handle situations when I have a lot going on, and I sleep when I am too stressed which only makes me more stressed.

3.       I need to start fixing my sleep schedule.  I am a total nocturnal, and whereas that fits me well, it hurts me too.  I am always tired during the day and have trouble getting up in the morning and being alert during the day.  I need to be alert for classes and alert for life.  I can’t afford not to be.  I need to sleep earlier and longer. End of story.

4.       I don’t have to grow up now.  There’s no reason to.  But I do need to start considering what kind of an adult I want to be.  And that comes with experience and knowledge.  That means I can’t let little things get me down.  I have to learn how to brush off and get back on the trail.  I have to learn how to balance who I am with who I want to be and getting there.  I have to learn who I want to be through the trial and error process, but not let the error get to me. Hey, it happens. 

I have to crawl out of the rabbit hole now.  I can’t stay there forever.   It’s not doing me any good now.  I can’t sit around and let my soul die.  I have to be able to bounce back, and that is what I plan to start being able to do.  So Goodbye Alice In Wonderland. It’s been nice, but it’s time I move on.  This is my life.  Not yours. 

The journey is going. I’ve hit some rocky roads, and it looks like there are plenty more to come, but I have to remember to keep my mind open to them.  No blindfolds, no rabbit holes.  Just me.  Just the road ahead and the destination that has yet to be revealed. I’m ready.

If it's a job, it's a job...

The thing about being away for so long is that I’ve had plenty to actually write about, I just haven’t had the time or the energy to write it.  There’s been plenty on my mind, plenty of growing points, but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to write them down.  With that said, I am forcing myself to write a series of small updates about how the semester has gone so far and what my life has been.  It is completely uninspired so you don’t even have to read it because to be honest, I doubt its going to be that interesting. 

For starters I guess I should start with work or something equally as uninteresting but totally relevant to my life... 

I’m still working at the dreaded veterinarian office.  In which the simple solution this this dreaded job would be to quit, it’s certainly not an easy task.  Yes I hate it at points, I really do, but there are days that it goes well.  There are days I learn things.  There are days that I enjoy what I do.  But honestly, I think the bad days far outweigh those.  I certainly don’t love it.  I hate waking up at 7am on a Saturday.  I hate constantly getting yelled at.  I hate not getting to learn knew things and try things.  Basically, it’s just not the job for me.  But I have been given such an amazing opportunity by getting to work there.  If you think about it, I’m not educated in this field whereas the other techs went to school for a couple years to learn what they were doing.  I got hired so that way I would get the experience.  And over Christmas break my boss, the veterinarian I work for, wrote a note with my Holiday Bonus (another awesome perk of the job by the way), that she was looking forward to working with me after vet school, which to me meant she was planning to give me a job.  So how can I just walk in there and quit?  How can I just drop everything they have given me when they never had to do any of that?  They never had to stick their necks out for me and yet they did.  It’s going to be even harder for me if I don’t end up going to vet school I am sure.  After two years of working there I feel like if I don’t go to school I have wasted their time and their money when they could have had someone who was actually good at working there working instead.   I feel so obligated to them that it makes life rather difficult sometimes.

Yesterday though I started with my research project.  When I say started I mean I got a tour of the lab and some research materials to read up on and research further.  I am really nervous about starting this project since I have to come up with the experiment processes and the work by myself.  It’s a new territory I have yet to be exposed to, and to be 100% truthful, I’m not sure if I’ll be any good at it.  I know all I need is a little confidence, but it’s all just so new to me that I’m unsure about any of it really.  I do know one thing for sure, I am excited to get to start the work.  I walked in yesterday and got called the “Ornithologist” and THAT was seriously one of the best feelings ever.  I felt like I was something special because no one else at this school (or anyone I have met as of yet) is that.  But as it goes, I haven’t started into my research, that will be a weekend task, but I certainly hope that it ends up going well.  I guess we can only cross our fingers and hope that I end up loving it.  I get to work with birds, measuring shell densities and thickness and such, so we can study bacterial effects.  Its something completely new to me, that’s for sure.  I’ll have to make sure to update on how it goes.  I’ll just have to make sure to update more often (I’ll shoot for tomorrow but I have loads of work to be getting done this weekend).

Next post will hopefully be about casual dating and relationships.  We’ll see.  Haha.

For now I have to go study for the exam I have later today.  And get coffee.  I definitely need some coffee right now.