The Many Faces of We

I have this theory that makes no sense, but at the same time makes as much sense as a fictional theory really can.  I have a theory that by the time a person turns 19 they have already been three different versions of themselves and are on their way to become at least two more.  Now, keep in mind I am not the entire world, I don’t know about your situation, I don’t know about your best friend’s situation, I don’t know about your neighbor, and I certainly don’t know about you six cousin  twice removed.  I am just generalizing here.  It’s not necessarily the theory that makes the difference; it’s the ideas behind it.

Think back to elementary school.  In elementary school, we’re all sweet, innocent, naïve children whose minds have yet to be corrupted by the real world.  We’re all basically friends, because to be honest, we don’t know what enemies are.  I mean, we do know from TV what the means girls are and what dating is, but we have all yet to really experience it.  We all still play on the same playground together, and dating involves a girl being chased around the playground by a guy- then bam they’re dating.  In elementary school the world has two factions: popular and nonpopular, and to be honest there isn’t much difference between them besides who sits where at lunch.   The biggest news that shakes up the school is when the popular girls want to make over one of the non popular girls.  Of course, this “makeover” usually consists of introducing her to makeup and then letting her sit at the “popular” table for a week.  And then after that, things usual go back to normal.  But honestly, in elementary school we’re all equal to one another.  We all give each other valentines on Valentine’s day after all.  Of course there was always that someone a girl was crushing on and the most embarrassing thing to ever happen would be if they found out.  Which really couldn’t have been that hard since we would scribble their name in a heart and play name games to see how compatible we were.   Basically, back then we were at our best and our sweetest.

But middle school brings a different world.  Those are the transition years.  We learn then what materialism is.  Cell phones are a big thing and everyone wants one so they are “cool.”  By middle school we define what cool is.  Well, at least we think we define what cool is because it’s still a mystery to me.  (I always thought it had to do with whoever had the most gum).   But for the middle school definition cool is basically having everything and everyone around you.  Being on top of the social ladder and staying there is the main goal.  And thus the climb begins.  We gain our personalities by middle school.  Whether that is because of the influence of maturity and puberty or if it’s because of the influence of television and movies, we become the first image of who we are.  But personality isn’t the only thing that forms.  We find our best friends, we find the people we want to stay away from, and we form our first cliques.  All we want at this stage in life is acceptance from our peers.  We are most impressionable in our middle school years.  And although we are still images of our elementary school selves nothing about us is the same as we become teenagers. 

But middle school isn’t even the start of the changes.  When high school begins the entire world changes.  Whereas cliques still exist, the true factions form.  You see the distinct formation of an upper, middle and lower class.  Popularity is actually a real thing now, and what you own, what you can afford, or at least what you can pretend you can afford is all that really matters.   The popular crowd usually includes a few different cliques.  The jocks, the cheerleaders, the rich kids, the pretty ones, it’s a pretty typical stereotypical society.  The middle class is made up of people who could be either upper class or lower class, but stick to middle.  These are the cliquiest of the cliques, at least in the girls.  It’s the climb.  Everyone wants to be on top and in the middle class, you can actually push your way up the ladder.  They would hate each other for their weaknesses, or sometimes even for their strengths.  Jealousy was high.  Of course why wouldn’t it be?  The middle class was full of fenemies when it came to the girls.  The lower class fills your geeks and your freaks and your anime lovers and your gamers.  In other words, the lower class is the outsider’s class.  But to be honest, the lower class is filled with the people who know who they are, even if they do at times want to change that because of the pressure society pushes on them to do so.

We tend to discover how mean the human race is at this point.  How there are truly actually mean people in the world and how some people are actually nice.  Whereas bullying happened in middle school, it was mostly just physical.  Bullying in high school tends to be much more verbal and much more abusive.  If you aren’t the way someone thinks you should be, they are either going to let you know, or they are going to talk about it behind your back and let everyone else know all about it.  That is the worst kind of bullying because it will follow wherever you go.  We also learn that there are some truly annoying people in the world.  And also some actually nice people.  But the question is which of those people are we?

High school is the time of discovery.  Although we mostly think that we know who our friends are, there is really too much happening in life for us to be really sure.  We’re still trying to figure out what sports we like, what we like to do in our free time, what after school activities and clubs we want to join.  So naturally we join things with our friends so we can stay close and we can spend time together, but things in high school don’t stay the same.  After all, we have become our own individuals by this time.  We can think on our own, instead of in middle school where we thought the same way our entire group thought, and we have our own interests and our own goals.  Things change throughout high school as we discover who we are and what we want.  We start thinking about what careers we want, colleges we want, and where we want to go someday.  It’s only natural that we fall away from the people who don’t want the same things as we do.  We find ourselves wondering who the real us is.  And at that point, we have to start being around the people we can be real around.  Whether that means leaving our clique or staying there, the journey begins there.  If the strength is there, we can stay with our high school clique, but if it’s not the friendship was never there and changes need to be made.

By the end of high school we don’t necessarily know who we are, but we know who we don’t want to be.  The upper class doesn’t want to be the lower class.  The middle class still wants to be on top, and the lower class wants to be real.  (Well at least in my experience don’t hate on me if I’m wrong).  We know what we dream about from life and we have those first formulations of our goals.  But in reality our journey has just begun and now we need to discover who we can be, not just who we want to be.  That’s where the journey begins.  That’s how we got to the journey.   By 16 we can drive, and around 16 we can take the steering wheels our lives and we can start to become who we want to be. 

This is where I am on my journey.  Where are you?

We who are young think that we can rule the world

A little over a year ago I wrote a list of ten things I would like to do before I die.  I am now going to share that list with you and tell you what I think about these things now, a year later.

10. to finally get the respect I deserve at work.

To be honest the job I had (it was really two of them) was in food service.  It was terrible and I never had the chance to get a raise or get treated well.  The one I was complaining about here was my catering job.  I wasn’t getting any good hours or any good positions, and to be honest I was getting tired of it.  Since, I have basically quit that job (I am no longer picking up hours) and am keeping my job at another food service place on campus.  I still hate my job, and I sometimes I hate the people I work with and the customers I served, but it’s helping me pay my bills and I am trying to save money for a big trip in a year.

9. To work a summer at the Harry Potter Park.

Although this would be the most amazing summer job ever, I have to be realistic.  There are so many things that I want to do with my summers, most of which involve internships now, that I don’t think I am going to have time to work at the Harry Potter theme Park.  I would still love to go there with some friends, and maybe spend a week at Disney JUST to go there every day.  Because come on, to get to go to Hogwarts everyday for a week? Sounds like a good deal to me.  Although I would probably cry the entire time I was there. 

8. To finally launch my idea for “Breaking High School”.

What Breaking High School was supposed to be was a vlog series on Youtube.  I had a girl who was my best best friend in high school.  We literally did EVERYTHING together.  Halfway through High Schol we had this big falling out and we stopped talking to each other completely and we hung out with different people, and eventually we both moved on from one another, and we still don’t talk to this day.  I not necessarily regret what happened between us, I regret HOW it happened because it really sucked, but it did need to happen.  Breaking High School was supposed to be a vlog series that would reconnect us to one another through a series of video blogs on one youtube site.  We could break down what happened, why it happened, and then kind of generalize it to the way high school is for everyone and how you don’t have to let that be your life. 

Granit, I never got the courage to ask her to do it, so it never happened.  We’re still only freshman in college, so there would be a chance that we could get it to happen, but I highly doubt that a. she would ever want to do it and b. that I would ever have the guts to ask her about it let alone talk to her again.

7.  To find Charlie

This one still applies to my life.  Finding Charlie would apply going to London and other places in England and getting to see the cities.  Hopefully I would find Charlie along the way (Charlie is the guy I imaged as my perfect dream guy in my last blog).  It could definitely still happen, and I definitely want it to still happen.

6. To get one of my books published.

Yes. Yes. Yes.  Despite any career decision I make, I still want to get one of my books published.  It would be a dream come true.  Even if it doesn’t sell, even if everyone hates it, I feel like it would be a huge accomplishment in my life.  Writing is something I have enjoyed since the 3^rd grade.  It’s what I’ve always loved, and I want to share that with the world.  I have all these ideas floating in my head, and I want other people, other teens, to read about it.

5. to have said book put on the best seller list.

It would be cool, I won’t lie, but I don’t think I want to make that a priority because in the end I think I’d get lost in the WANT instead of the love for writing.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want to lose why I am writing.  I had an English teacher in high school that said the only reason people write is for fame and fortune that they hope to get.  Safe to say, I dropped his class the next day, and I actually think I told him that that was why I was dropping his class.  I really, really want to prove him wrong.  I don’t care if my book is a best seller.  I don’t care if the entire world reads it.  I really care that a few people who read it honestly, truly like it.  And I hope that along the way I could inspire other people to write as well.

4. Also to sell the screenplay rights to said book and hopefully help work on the writing team as well.

It’s a dream. I know that won’t happen.  Maybe I could sell the rights. Maybe.  But I’m not going to force the happening of it.  I’m not going to force little kids on the side of the road to read my book so its popular enough to be turned into a movie.  I’m not going to go to every movie producer out there and beg for them to buy my screenplay rights.   Whatever happens after I publish my book (if it happens) happens.  I’m not going to push anything any further.  Would I go on a book tour? Probably.  Would I do interviews about my book? Yes? But not because I want to sell the book, but because hopefully I would love the book enough that I would just want to talk about with everyone who wanted to.

3. To spend a semester abroad in either London or New Zealand. 

This one I still think is absolutely possible. In fact, I plan to take some time this summer to learn more about summer abroad and what it is going to take to get me to New Zealand to study animals there.  I am really excited about it.  It will be so different for me to go to a new place for such a long amount of time.  Part of me thinks that I am so dependent on my parent’s still that I won’t be able to do it, but most of me thinks that it will be really good for me to be living on or near a college campus by myself or with other students.  I’ll actually get to experience what it’s like to not be at home and to be somewhere completely different.  I’ll get to feel that sense of freedom that I haven’t had in so long.

Honestly I think that will help me get over my fear of needing my parents’ permission for absolutely everything that I do.  I’ll have to make my own decisions for once.  It will be good for me.  And I will actually be able to figure myself out and find out who I am and what I want without having to worry if my parents approve or not, because what they hear from me will only be through emails.  I think it will work out well.

2. To get the hell out of Erie and finally get back to Alaska.

Yes please!  I am actually trying to plan a trip back to Alaska for next summer.  I am hoping that everything will work out and I can get back to Cordova without any problems.  I am trying to save up as much money as I can now so I won’t have any issues getting there and having a place to stay for awhile.  The biggest problem is going to be convincing my parents to let me go.  I think that if I get it all planned out they’ll be a little more willing to let me go.  At least I can hope they will.

But that’s not really it.  I also would love to live in Alaska someday.  Even if it’s only for a few years, I just want to spend a portion of my life there.  My hearts belonged there for awhile now.  If you say Alaska to me, I will also answer with how much I want to go back there, or how much I love it there, or how beautiful it is there.  Basically, I have nothing bad to say about that place.  When I’m there, I don’t even mind that it’s cold.  You sort of forget about it at first because you are so taken by what you see, and then once you get used to what you see, you get used to the cold as well. 

I could imagine myself living in a lot of places other than Alaska, but the image of me living in Alaska is certainly my favorite to date.

1. To get accepted into and go to Virginia Tech Veterinary School.

Honestly, not so much anymore.  I don’t have much of a desire to go to a veterinary school now.  I don’t honestly think I would be happy doing that with the rest of my life, and that’s not just because I dislike my job as a vet tech.   I want to be able to travel.  I think this bucket list proved really well that one of my greatest interests is travel.  So settling down and having a vet clinic wouldn’t really work well for me.  And if I still did become a vet, I would be a traveling vet who worked with exotics, and to be honest if I was going to be traveling around the world like that, I think I would rather be studying the animals and seeing them as happy and in their natural environment, not when they were dying or extremely hurt. 

I still want to go to a grad school.  I am not sure what one yet.  I mean, I am just starting this process over again; I still have a lot of time to figure out what I want to do.  I am not at this point counting anything out, but there are things that I am not really counting in anymore either.  I am starting to figure things out more and more every day, which is good.  But I know for sure that I still have a long road in front of me, and it’s going to be a fun, but long, journey.